You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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