I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
