Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
