omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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