he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
