My first STD was from a foam party
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
