Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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