It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
