I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
