so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
