The maid of honor just puked.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
