the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
