I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
