I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
