She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
