I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
