You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
