I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i've created a new STD.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
