i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
