i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
