I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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