I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
where does the pee come out of this thing
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
