Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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