i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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