I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
