Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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