its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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