If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
