I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
