All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
