You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
