Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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