My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
