She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
