so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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