did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
