Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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