I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
