I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
