More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
