Your face is a jimmy john
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
