I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
