Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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