she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
