I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
