what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My breasts were aching with rage.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize