The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
