Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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