I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
