Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
